So almost everybody that knows me is well aware of my Kim Kardashian obsession…I think if this were a perfect world, Kim and I would be BFF’s in the traditional BFF sense. Mutual ride-or-die bitches, we be!…She will call me when her shoe breaks and I will laugh at her and make quips about her shoe being unable to support the weight of her ass… Then she’d laugh it off and offer to send her driver over to my crib (a.k.a. her beach house) to come get me so that she can treat me to lunch at the Ivy then fly to New York cause I need a new pair of Manolo’s and some Gucci gum (if Gucci made such things) and my birthday is coming up…We’d make out with each other when drunk then pretend to not remember it… But we’d know. (End of dream sequence).
Kimmer (that’s my pet name for her) is my #1 draft pick in my fantasy BFF league…Closely following her rounding off the top 5 are Payton Manning, Supreme Court Judge Sonya Sotomayor, Prince Harry (the ginger prince of Whales) and Adam Richman (of Man vs Food)…Please note: I’d take on Lindsey Lohan too, but in the later rounds, just in case I get extra points for rehab projects.
So the world kind of sucks and isn’t perfect and Kimmer and I aren’t BFF’s.. We’ve never made out… She’s never motor-boated me (over share of the dream sequence) and/or bought me Manolo’s …and I wasn’t invited to her wedding, but I did get to see it with about 6 million other people on the tv machine. For the first time in our one sided friendship, I was disappointed in her… And for the first time since he lurched onto my picture screen and used words I felt for Kris Humphries.
The first two hours of the 4 hour special…Kris clumsily says everything wrong and seems to be under the impression that Kardashian world is a democracy where he is on even playing field with the women. He was late for shit, made fun of Mrs. Jenner’s (as to not to confuse the Kris’)face lift, told Khloe she needed botox and made the dudes fly southwest airlines to Vegas for the bachelor party while he girls had the private jet. It did make me giggle that Scott was so offended--- I was more offended by the gross v-neck t-shirt Kris decided to wear to do it big in Vegas…Khloe (who I dislike ALMOST on the level in which I dislike Kobe Bryant, but not quite as much as I dislike Angelina Jolie or Tom Brady), tries her best to chop him down to bite sized pieces so that Kim and the rest of the gang can eat him alive… To his credit, he took very little shit from Khloe and at the end of the second half walked in her talking shit about him and delt with her.—
So yeah, Kris Humphries in the end, not such a bad guy. Kimberly Noelle Kardashian, on the other hand… OMG!
First off, she agreed to change her name to Humprhies… Then after Mrs. Jenner pitched a fit about it and drew up mock-ups of the new brand “Hump”, Kim saw the light (or dollar signs floating out the window) and agreed to not change her name. Honestly when she told Kris that she wasn’t going to change her name after all, he had a “bitch you drowned my puppy?” look about him. It was sad… Seriously, I HATED this part of the episode mostly because of the hypocrisy of Mrs. Bruce Jenner… The same Mrs. Jenner who not so long ago wanted to change her name back to Kardashian because the 70’s and 80’s are over and nobody gives a shit about poor Bruce Jenner. –Seems to me Kardashian wasn’t too popular a name around the 90’s when papa Kardashian was going around defending OJ for murdering 2 people. I’m willing to bet Mrs. Jenner considered changing Kim’s name to Jenner cause that would have been more palatable at the time. Fucking hypocrite!
Anyway, once that drama died down. Kim was throwing hissy fits about, the guest list, about Kris’ horrific mustache, stressing about the order of which she will wear the 3 (three)(tres)(trois) wedding gowns designed by Vera Wang (Of Khols department store fame who apparently makes bridal fashion—Who knew this?). She had her sisters in her ear, her mother in her ear and an 8 million dollar price tag on the wedding… That’s 8 times my operating budget for the entire year on a mid-sized non-profit. That’s funding for 8 years! I type my fingers to the nub trying to get grants and streamline budgets for programs that will keep kids from getting shot during the summer for LESS than the cost of a fucking wedding? That’s THOUSANDS of scholarships that can be given out to the youth so that they can build break the cycle of violence and poverty… But this heifer spent 8 million on one day and because of how things work in America today, she made a profit for selling her wedding to a media driven public who rewards stupidity with celebrity…and to my worst waking nightmare after the episode ended was the realization that I’m a part of it! I hate when my conscious just sneaks up on me and shit. I dunno, between the 8 million dollar price tag and her not changing her name because of “branding” made me reassess my own value system. I have to believe that I wouldn't hurt someone I love deeply just to make/save a buck.
Now, I’m not a hypocrite and I’m still going watch the show and I’m still going to envy Kim Kardashian Humphries (Yeah… I’ll change her name for her!) and not so secretly dream of what it would be like to live that way…I think it’s human nature to want the finer things in life. It’s what we work for really…But I think I’m going to change the fantasy a little…Yeah, we’ll still get hammered and make out… But I also want to show her the many ways 8 million dollars could have changed lives. I’d ask my BFF to help me raise money so that kids can feel safe in their communities. Raise money to help provide scholarships so that students don’t have to drown in debt in order to get a decent education. There are SOOOOO many ways 8 million dollars can be spent that I have to believe even if I had 8 million dollars to spend on a wedding I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it.
I know this bloggizzle got deep and shit, but sometimes that’s how I roll.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Haunted Houses? Meh
Whenever I tell someone I do not like haunted houses, the initial response is usually a giggle because the assumption is that I'm askeered. FALSE! (I say in my best Dwight Shrute tone.) I do not like haunted houses because in order to fully enjoy those things one must perpetuate the myth that they are in fact scary. They are in fact not scary, nor creepy... Just expensive, hot and an invasion of ones personal space.
I experienced the much hyped Statesville Haunted Prison this weekend with the boyfriend and two other friends. We paid $40 each for the VIP passes. Which was well worth it once you took a good look at the line to get into the joint. The "prison" is really a farm which kind of in itself is kind of cool. The people who designed this place did a great job. Independent, of my dislike of haunted houses I appreciated the artistic talents of those who developed and planned out the design and execution of the haunted prison concept.
After you pay your admission you are corralled into line into some sort of animal coupe (maybe for cows)...It's dark, it's wooden and they shine a bright light on your face every now and then to remind you that you are on the cusp of terror... (For those of us who think logically, it's just an annoying flashlight by some douche in moderately cool make-up.)--Once the doors open you are again lined up as the "actors" explain the rules which of all of them the one that stands out is "the actors will not touch you, so do not touch them."--They say NOTHING about the actors breathing on you (fucking gross) and coming way too close to contact and the nimrod teenagers who bump into you as they're doing their best Scooby and Shaggy "Zoinks, we're so scared!" act. Fucking annoying.
The house itself has some pretty cool and gruesome shit in it. I enjoyed the effect very much...But I didn't need the idiot blowing in my hair, or whispering "you're gonna die" in my ear... I wanted to stop and tell him, "DUH! I know I'm gonna die, but not today and not here because you fuckers took proper safety precautions. Because if I did die here and today my family will sue the shit out of you, ass clown!!." Plus this dude was like 5"3' and I was with Princess who could have clearly crushed him with one of his giant hands... I just wasn't afraid. Just annoyed.
I can't say I didn't enjoy the experience because I did... I got a pumpkin pie and apple butter at the little shop on the farm and the house itself if you look at it objectively from the artistic level was pretty cool. I just don't like strangers breathing on me at the height of cold and flu season. I don't like teenagers. I don't like anyone touching me AT ALL and those stupid lines forced people into my personal space. It was worse than the El at rush hour... And that's saying a lot.
In the end, I'm think too hood for "haunted prisons" and scary movies. They annoy me more than scare me and they lack any kind of creative thought. Life in itself is rather scary and you don't have to pay the admission fee... So why not just enjoy dressing up and getting a shit ton of candy then go out and get hammered? I don't understand the need/desire to be afraid of shit that you know is fake and offers no immediate danger to you.
I think these kind of things ruined what used to be an awesome holiday. I used to love Halloween because it took the sting off my birthday which traditionally (and epically) sucks. Now it's just one big douchy fright fest and bad memories of really scary life shit. I'll pass.
I experienced the much hyped Statesville Haunted Prison this weekend with the boyfriend and two other friends. We paid $40 each for the VIP passes. Which was well worth it once you took a good look at the line to get into the joint. The "prison" is really a farm which kind of in itself is kind of cool. The people who designed this place did a great job. Independent, of my dislike of haunted houses I appreciated the artistic talents of those who developed and planned out the design and execution of the haunted prison concept.
After you pay your admission you are corralled into line into some sort of animal coupe (maybe for cows)...It's dark, it's wooden and they shine a bright light on your face every now and then to remind you that you are on the cusp of terror... (For those of us who think logically, it's just an annoying flashlight by some douche in moderately cool make-up.)--Once the doors open you are again lined up as the "actors" explain the rules which of all of them the one that stands out is "the actors will not touch you, so do not touch them."--They say NOTHING about the actors breathing on you (fucking gross) and coming way too close to contact and the nimrod teenagers who bump into you as they're doing their best Scooby and Shaggy "Zoinks, we're so scared!" act. Fucking annoying.
The house itself has some pretty cool and gruesome shit in it. I enjoyed the effect very much...But I didn't need the idiot blowing in my hair, or whispering "you're gonna die" in my ear... I wanted to stop and tell him, "DUH! I know I'm gonna die, but not today and not here because you fuckers took proper safety precautions. Because if I did die here and today my family will sue the shit out of you, ass clown!!." Plus this dude was like 5"3' and I was with Princess who could have clearly crushed him with one of his giant hands... I just wasn't afraid. Just annoyed.
I can't say I didn't enjoy the experience because I did... I got a pumpkin pie and apple butter at the little shop on the farm and the house itself if you look at it objectively from the artistic level was pretty cool. I just don't like strangers breathing on me at the height of cold and flu season. I don't like teenagers. I don't like anyone touching me AT ALL and those stupid lines forced people into my personal space. It was worse than the El at rush hour... And that's saying a lot.
In the end, I'm think too hood for "haunted prisons" and scary movies. They annoy me more than scare me and they lack any kind of creative thought. Life in itself is rather scary and you don't have to pay the admission fee... So why not just enjoy dressing up and getting a shit ton of candy then go out and get hammered? I don't understand the need/desire to be afraid of shit that you know is fake and offers no immediate danger to you.
I think these kind of things ruined what used to be an awesome holiday. I used to love Halloween because it took the sting off my birthday which traditionally (and epically) sucks. Now it's just one big douchy fright fest and bad memories of really scary life shit. I'll pass.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Let's blog this bitch!
Before you continue to read, you need to understand 2 things about me.... #1) I do not conform to the constraints and "rules" set forth by the English language. I does shit different. 2) I do not conform to anything... That person who marches to the beat of a different drummer? Well, that is me except I don't even march and fuck the drums, unless they're played by Animal of the Muppet's. Yeah, that's right! I roll to some old school Muppet's Take Manhattan shit you prolly ain't ever even heard of.
I'm still not sure why I want to blog, other than to save my boyfriend countless hours of hearing my stream of consciousness rantings on any given day. My boyfriend (Frank) shall remain nameless, so we'll just call him by my pet name for him, Princess Cupcake Purtymouth, esq... What other alias would you use for a 6/2, 300lb offensive tackle?
I think my friends will also appreciate my blogging because it will reduce the random "Do you think if I glued all my fingers and toes together, I'd be a better swimmer" type text messages. I like to text people random shit that pops in my head cause you never know what's going to be the one idea that has the "Snuggie" effect and I like to have witnesses before all my good ideas get stolen by the man.--I'm not saying I invented the Snuggie. I'm just saying I spent many a night in a backwards fucking robe and got nothing to show for it.
Makes me also wonder whatever happened to the kids of Kriss Kross?.. They wore their shit backwards all the time... I bet they're broke as fuck and really pissed off they didn't come out with the "Snuggie" back in the day. I for sure would have bought a Cross Color Snuggie. Hell, I'd buy one now if they were available...I'd buy two, cause I'm sure Princess will want one as well.
I think my family will enjoy my blogs too...By enjoy, I mean they're gonna be embarrassed as fuck and ban me from Christmas. But whatever!!! These are the same people who had me watch their children by luring me in by buying comic books and renting the Star Wars trilogy...I was pretty much brainwashed into nerdity by my family. How do you like them apples family!?! Our ugly truth laid out for the world to see.
Not for nothing, but being a Star Wars nerd in Humboldt Park is a kin to being a gay dude in the Republican party. Once that shit comes out, you have NO street cred and you might as well walk around with a sign that reads kick my ass and call me a Jedi....(Not gonna lie, the second part of that was kinda cool. Hehehe!)
Anyway, I think we can all agree that my blogging will be either the greatest blog on the internet, or the biggest most epic disaster causing all my relationships to publicly implode... Either way, it's a good time.
I'm still not sure why I want to blog, other than to save my boyfriend countless hours of hearing my stream of consciousness rantings on any given day. My boyfriend (Frank) shall remain nameless, so we'll just call him by my pet name for him, Princess Cupcake Purtymouth, esq... What other alias would you use for a 6/2, 300lb offensive tackle?
I think my friends will also appreciate my blogging because it will reduce the random "Do you think if I glued all my fingers and toes together, I'd be a better swimmer" type text messages. I like to text people random shit that pops in my head cause you never know what's going to be the one idea that has the "Snuggie" effect and I like to have witnesses before all my good ideas get stolen by the man.--I'm not saying I invented the Snuggie. I'm just saying I spent many a night in a backwards fucking robe and got nothing to show for it.
Makes me also wonder whatever happened to the kids of Kriss Kross?.. They wore their shit backwards all the time... I bet they're broke as fuck and really pissed off they didn't come out with the "Snuggie" back in the day. I for sure would have bought a Cross Color Snuggie. Hell, I'd buy one now if they were available...I'd buy two, cause I'm sure Princess will want one as well.
I think my family will enjoy my blogs too...By enjoy, I mean they're gonna be embarrassed as fuck and ban me from Christmas. But whatever!!! These are the same people who had me watch their children by luring me in by buying comic books and renting the Star Wars trilogy...I was pretty much brainwashed into nerdity by my family. How do you like them apples family!?! Our ugly truth laid out for the world to see.
Not for nothing, but being a Star Wars nerd in Humboldt Park is a kin to being a gay dude in the Republican party. Once that shit comes out, you have NO street cred and you might as well walk around with a sign that reads kick my ass and call me a Jedi....(Not gonna lie, the second part of that was kinda cool. Hehehe!)
Anyway, I think we can all agree that my blogging will be either the greatest blog on the internet, or the biggest most epic disaster causing all my relationships to publicly implode... Either way, it's a good time.
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