Haunted Houses? Meh

Whenever I tell someone I do not like haunted houses, the initial response is usually a giggle because the assumption is that I'm askeered. FALSE! (I say in my best Dwight Shrute tone.) I do not like haunted houses because in order to fully enjoy those things one must perpetuate the myth that they are in fact scary. They are in fact not scary, nor creepy... Just expensive, hot and an invasion of ones personal space.

I experienced the much hyped Statesville Haunted Prison this weekend with the boyfriend and two other friends. We paid $40 each for the VIP passes. Which was well worth it once you took a good look at the line to get into the joint. The "prison" is really a farm which kind of in itself is kind of cool. The people who designed this place did a great job. Independent, of my dislike of haunted houses I appreciated the artistic talents of those who developed and planned out the design and execution of the haunted prison concept.

After you pay your admission you are corralled into line into some sort of animal coupe (maybe for cows)...It's dark, it's wooden and they shine a bright light on your face every now and then to remind you that you are on the cusp of terror... (For those of us who think logically, it's just an annoying flashlight by some douche in moderately cool make-up.)--Once the doors open you are again lined up as the "actors" explain the rules which of all of them the one that stands out is "the actors will not touch you, so do not touch them."--They say NOTHING about the actors breathing on you (fucking gross) and coming way too close to contact and the nimrod teenagers who bump into you as they're doing their best Scooby and Shaggy "Zoinks, we're so scared!" act. Fucking annoying.

The house itself has some pretty cool and gruesome shit in it. I enjoyed the effect very much...But I didn't need the idiot blowing in my hair, or whispering "you're gonna die" in my ear... I wanted to stop and tell him, "DUH! I know I'm gonna die, but not today and not here because you fuckers took proper safety precautions. Because if I did die here and today my family will sue the shit out of you, ass clown!!." Plus this dude was like 5"3' and I was with Princess who could have clearly crushed him with one of his giant hands... I just wasn't afraid. Just annoyed.

I can't say I didn't enjoy the experience because I did... I got a pumpkin pie and apple butter at the little shop on the farm and the house itself if you look at it objectively from the artistic level was pretty cool. I just don't like strangers breathing on me at the height of cold and flu season. I don't like teenagers. I don't like anyone touching me AT ALL and those stupid lines forced people into my personal space. It was worse than the El at rush hour... And that's saying a lot.

In the end, I'm think too hood for "haunted prisons" and scary movies. They annoy me more than scare me and they lack any kind of creative thought. Life in itself is rather scary and you don't have to pay the admission fee... So why not just enjoy dressing up and getting a shit ton of candy then go out and get hammered? I don't understand the need/desire to be afraid of shit that you know is fake and offers no immediate danger to you.

I think these kind of things ruined what used to be an awesome holiday. I used to love Halloween because it took the sting off my birthday which traditionally (and epically) sucks. Now it's just one big douchy fright fest and bad memories of really scary life shit. I'll pass.