This Week In Racism

PLEASE NOTE BEFORE READING FURTHER:
Not all white people are racist.  Not all black people are thugs.  Not all Hispanic people are illegal. Not all Puerto Rican's like Marc Anthony.  But there are enough of all of the above to make this country a hot pot about to boil over.

When I started this blogizzle, I had no idea what it's purpose would be.  I'm kind of a silly girl and this became the place I can examine even sillier things I observe in the world.  Cause, the world is a silly place people. It truly is.

However, this week I wasn't laughing very much.  The tragedy of the Trayon Martin case exposed that even in a silly world, there are really serious issues that nobody really talks about because Kim Kardashian, Lindsey Lohan and Amanda Bynes pretty much dominate our social consciousness.

I'm not above any of it... My previous blogs have consisted of mainly pop-culture references and my opinion on the water-cooler topics of any given week in the media. This week you couldn't find anything NOT related to last Saturday's verdict in the killing of 17 year old Trayvon Martin.--UNLESS, you were Puerto Rican and discovered that half of America doesn't know that Puerto Rican's are American citizens... Even the ones born in Brooklyn, NY.

So for all of you that couldn't wait to get past LAST week in racism (AKA the Paula Deen story), be very careful what you wish for.  Whereas last week we had a seemingly sweet old lady admit under oath that she said the "n" word and her butter filled world collapsed around her as a result.  She just couldn't understand why she was being attacked and the black community was outraged. FoodNetwork dropped her and Matt Lauer made her cry, which is not unusual for any woman unfortunate enough to find herself in Matt Lauer's presence. Unsurprisingly, butter sales went through the roof in support for her, as white people across America couldn't believe that people are coming down on this lady but not the hip-hop community who uses that word in their lyrics. Yeah, last week was pretty awesome if you were anyone, but Paula Deen.

I don't even know where to start this week, to be honest.  I'm lucky enough to have friends of all races, religions, sexual orientations and even species (shout out to John McClaine and Riley Pup)... Almost all my friends were pissed at either the verdict, or the reaction to the verdict.... I will say this, the dogs didn't give a shit. Dogs are just smart.

To me, the most fascinating reaction came from some of my white friends.... Some of them were shocked at the verdict because they felt it was unjust. Some of them felt that the "race card" was pulled in this case unjustly. My favorite of the white people reactions are the ones that couldn't wrap their heads around why black people made such a big deal about this case, especially since George Zimmerman couldn't be racist because of his half-hispanic heritage.

For my confused white friends allow me to clarify the latter point first...Hispanics just might be the most racist people in the world. (See later commentary in this blogizzle regarding reaction to Marc Anthony's quest to be recognized as an American).  Hispanics can be racist against whites, against blacks and Asians... But you will find that most Hispanics who are racist are most racist against other Hispanics.

Here's another eye opener this week.. The term "White-Hispanic" suddenly became relevant to white people. Hispanics always knew about it... Hell, even blacks knew about it... But white people knew nothing about White-Hispanics. In fact, white people absolutely refuse to accept that George Zimmerman IS white. Anthropologically, there are 3 races...Black, white and mongolian. If George Zimmerman was filling out a census form his race would be White (Hispanic).  

I can't tell you how confused people are about race in this country... So I have prepared a graphic to assist in understanding the perplexing world of race and ethnicity.

*Please note: Kim Kardashian can also be classified as Asian due to her Armenian heritage, but I got lazy... I could have easily classified Salma Hayek and Jackie Chan under Super Human.

The fact of the matter is GEORGE ZIMMERMAN IS WHITE!  He is also hispanic and he is fully capable of racism as is anyone.  So if you're wondering how this became a race war between white people and black people given that it was a Mexican who bumped off a 17 year old kid, the bottom line it takes two sides to continue a war of ignorance.  While I understand why some folks in the black community could see why this was a case of racial profiling, for the life of me I can't understand why some white people feel the need to disregard the probability that it could have been a racially motivated murder. It blows my mind.

Basically this week I observed the following:

1) Nothing makes a racist white person angrier than being called a racist...Cause slavery ended almost 150 years ago and black people should have nothing to complain about anymore in the mind of a racist white person.

2) Nothing makes a racist black person angrier than white people who profile...Cause only white people do the profiling in the mind of a racist black person.

3) Nothing makes a racist Puerto Rican angrier than being called a Mexican.

4) Nothing makes a racist Mexican angrier than hearing a Puerto Rican speak spanish.  (Okay that one while true, is an observation I made at age 10... but I felt wrong leaving them out of the mix.)

5) Nothing makes a racist Asian give a fuck about all of the above.

6) Nothing makes anyone appear more racist than trying not to make issues that are clearly about race, not about THEIR race.

After this week, I don't think anyone who is objective can look at race relations in this country in the same light and not see that we have a problem beyond the "media."  We still CHOOSE to believe what we want to believe about each other based on history, statistics, stereotypes and look to reinforce our beliefs whenever possible.  We also tend to look away when there's evidence that completely dismantles our beliefs.

The "Like" button on Facebook as become a barometer for me in figuring out if my world is the same as the people I call "friends."  On Monday, the following image came across my newsfeed on FB and again on Twitter:

To date, over 205,052 of America's most lazy and stupid people have "liked" this photo... Admittedly, when first I read it, my heart broke. I was also ashamed that I knew nothing about this case. So I used the Google and there was the first in many realizations about race in this country. This comparison would be terrible if it was true.  IF IT WAS TRUE!  Other than the kid being white and murdered in Charleston, Marley Lion was a victim of 4 idiotic black men who attempted to rob Marley Lion. They did this ON VIDEO where there was no question of the guilt of the offenders and they were immediately pursued, arrested and convicted. 

For days, my feed has been flooded with this and a few other really, really lying ass meme's about white victims of black murderers who you never heard of because of the "media" and Al Sharpton don't give a shit about white people being slaughtered by blacks.  Every time, I have seen one I have Googled the story and EVERY TIME the story has NOTHING to do with the things that are making not-racists crazy about this case.  For every lying, misleading and FALSELY EQUIVALENT you meme you draw or "like" you only highlight how truly locked up in your own bullshit that you can't fucking "google" to make sure the message your endorsing correctly reflects your values.

If this Marley Lion meme was true... I would have "liked" the fuck out of it. But it's not and it really just pissed me off that anyone I would know and love would "like" something on blind faith that it had to be true because "that's how black people and the media are."   Well just for shits and grins let's conduct an experiment:

How many of these victims of violent crimes and missing persons can you recognize without using the Google machine to figure out who they are and the circumstances of their deaths?

Review this list and search your memory for how often you heard these names in the national media, then tell me again how the Al Sharpton lead media blew the Trayvon Martin case out of proportion.

Now racist white people aren't the only ones in a tizzy this week...Though, they did shine like no other.

On Tuesday, Major League Baseball decided it would be a good idea to have Marc Anthony sing "God Bless America."  I mean, he has a nice enough voice. He's significantly less annoying than his ex-wife and seems an affable enough guy... Unless you are a racist.   Racist white people hit the Twitter button faster than a Kardashian on a rich black dude to immediately to decry a Mexican singing a song that is quintessentially American.

The problem with this line of thinking is, of course, that Marc Anthony was born  and raised in the US... He is of Puerto Rican decent, which is displeasing on it's own to the average white racist, but even if he was "from the island" it would not nullify his status American citizen... Much to the chagrin of the racist white American's... And racist other Hispanic races who HAAAAAATE the fact that Puerto Rican's have it "so easy" here.  Nonetheless, this was another controversy that with a little knowledge of American history and Google could have been avoided.

Enter the Puerto Rican racists... I'm definitely not going to name names, but as a Puerto Rican I can tell you that I have encountered Puerto Rican racists my entire life. I'm even related to some of them....Some disliked blacks, some disliked whites, some disliked Mexicans, some disliked Jews...The fact of the matter is, that while a good chunk of the outrage about the Marc Anthony came out of true pride and nationalism and were respectfully outraged at the actual targets of the attacks... For the racist, the outrage came from being lumped in with the "illegal immigrants," specifically, Mexicans.

I'm sure someone at some point did a study as to why the Mexican/Puerto Rican conflict exists.  I never understood it... A friend of mixed ethnicity once observed that it is perhaps no different than  how light-skinned and dark-skinned African Americans have the same disconnect.  She went on to explain that perhaps it was born of the impression that one has an easier time being accepted by whites. Funny how "acceptance" means instinctively that those that don't share those same qualities are therefore "rejected."

There are other nuances in Hispanic vs Hispanic racism... Those born here vs those born "there."  Those who speak Spanish fluently vs those that don't speak Spanish at all or worse, speak "Spanglish."  And just like in the African American community light-skinned vs dark skinned.  It's all so complicated for someone who isn't a racist to fully comprehend how the mind of a racist can keep up with such nonsense.  But racists find a way.

Which brings me to this week in black racism... For all the focus and outrage on George Zimmerman there was little focus this week on the many, many young black men that have hid in the shadows of innocents like Trayvon Martin.  Brilliant young minds have been taken from us because of drugs sold to young black people BY young black people.  We have beautiful and bright young girls like Haydiya Pendelton, struck down before they could explore their potential.  Murders in Chicago are at record highs the past couple of years, not because of the George Zimmerman's of the world. Somebody has to start giving a shit about what's happening in the African American communities and the media needs to start focusing on the people building that community instead of the random idiots that are tearing it apart.  We need someone to fight passionately to keep schools open and keeping guns out of the hands of teenagers. Which would then take the power and "reasonable doubt" out of the hands of the six jurors who felt that being afraid of a teenage boy armed with skittles and an Arizona tea is pretty good grounds to shoot.

In Chicago of the 229 homicides this year 80% of the victims were black with 18% of the rest of the homicide victims being Hispanic and 2% being of other race/ethnicity...And NOBODY cares.  George Zimmerman didn't kill all those people.  But man you wouldn't know it by opening a paper this week.

With that said, I tend to see clearly why people saw that this case was racially motivated.  If you look at it objectively it's easy to see the WHY.  Had George Zimmerman been black, nobody in any community anywhere would have cared.  I also tend to believe (based on the backlash Marc Anthony received from racist white folks) IF Trayvon was white, the racist white folks would have been up in arms about illegal immigration and his face would have been all over the local media and it would have been Obama's fault... But nobody else would have cared.

I'm lucky to have so many diverse friends, however I think the next time a case like this comes up, I may have to take a social media vacation.

Is that a pop-tart in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

I'm not sure at what point our nation became gun crazed, but it happened and there's pretty much no turning back. Recent tragedies at the hands of whack-jobs who feel the world owes them 15 minutes of fame have thus polluted civil discourse on gun control and clouded the spirit of the 2nd amendment to the point nobody really knows what the fuck they're talking about when it comes to gun control.  I'm no constitutional scholar, but I know bullshit and stupidity when I see it and every argument I've heard on both sides is just so full of shit that it makes me wonder how the fuck we as a society progressed beyond living in caves and throwing rocks for amusement... Actually, maybe we didn't progress and that's the problem.

Honestly, I think the hype about guns is worse than the guns themselves...For example, today I read a report about  a 7 year old who was suspended from school for pointing a pop-tart shaped like a gun. There's so much wrong with this story, but I'd like for you to take a second to imagine the absurdity of the perceived danger of a 7 year-old menacingly holding a pop-tart and school officials scrambling to deescalate the incident like Jules at the diner trying to get Honey Bunny and Pumpkin to calm down. When did 7 year-old doing goofy shit with food become a serious grounds for suspension? Did I miss a Hollywood movie that promoted the use of sugary delicious pastries to kill people?

Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield: Wrecking shit with pop-tarts!

The article concludes; "... the school counselor will be available for any student who needs to talk."--- What THE fuck? It was a fucking pop-tart!!!!  If your kid needs to talk to a counselor because he's been traumatized by a fucking pop-tart then you ought to consider home schooling. SIDEBAR: Props to the writer of the article for including that it was a strawberry pop-tart.  I would have wondered about that... Cause damn it all, if strawberry isn't the best!

It's shit like this that makes the NRA seem like a rational organization.

Can we all calm the fuck down for a second and get down to a cold fact then try to dial it back to those facts and enact legislation that really protects people?...FACT: Guns are acquired for two reasons and only these two reasons... 1) To protect yourself, family and loved ones from people who buy guns for reason #2... Reason #2) To kill more efficiently.  If I had to stretch and add a third reason, it would be for the "collectors" who pretty much jizz themselves for an opportunity to hold a gun held or made by a famous person who made, or bought the gun for reasons #1 or #2. There are no exceptions to these two reasons. Hunters, military, law enforcement, the lady in the woods living 30 miles from the nearest squad car all possess guns for one (or both of) these two primary objectives. If we would all agree to stop the bullshit and just admit these facts, we'd be a lot better off.

But nooo we have to go round and round having the "Guns don't kill people... People kill people" vs the "Yeah, but they would kill less people with a knife, or a rock" debate.  It's tiresome, boring and quite honestly both sides are wrong. GUNS and PEOPLE and the LAWS are the problem.  

The people who are vehemently opposed to guns generally have two arguments... 1) You don't need a military style weapon to go hunting, or protect yourself... and 2) The NRA is evil and they want to eat your babies. Both may be valid arguments, but the truth is people who live in the fantasy that the 2nd amendment to the constitution is either misinterpreted by the gun lobbyists or that it is an antiquated principle need to face a harsh reality... Guns aren't going anywhere!  I've seen enough Panic 9-1-1 to see the rational need for most folks (especially in rural areas) to have guns.  I think these people are often painted with a broad brush, but honestly MOST people buy guns for protection. Period. These people will have guns. Legal or not, they will have guns. This is another fact.

The reaction to the Sandy Hook tragedy speaks volumes about America and honestly it doesn't say good things about either side of the gun argument.  From the crazzy ass Sandy Hook  "truthers" (OMG batshit crazy doesn't even begin to cover those people) who believe the shooting was a hoax so that President Obama can take away your guns... To the hypocrites who feel that this tragedy wouldn't have happened if we had tougher gun laws.  I say hypocrites, because none of these nobody gave a shit when Chicago saw the worst summer of youth violence in 20 years... Or Baltimore, or Detroit... Or any major city.  Where was Vice President Biden's commission then?

Banning any weapons, or anything really has such a high level history fail that it makes me shake my head about what kind of fantasy world these people live in.  Anything less than a complete ban is seen as a failure in policy to the folks on this side of the argument.--I think this is where we as a nation have failed to protect our children. We need common sense legislation.

If America was truly serious about solving gun violence, it would attempt to solve the problem at it's most base component...How do we protect EVERYBODY equally?  How do we protect the rights of folks who own guns legally and use those rights responsibly, at the same time protecting the folks who just want to go about their lives without feeling like they're going to be literally caught up in the crossfire of our gun culture? How do we protect the kids in the inner city from the threat of gang violence, with the same passion as we protect suburban kids from crazy white dudes with mommy issues?

I've listed a series of ideas and included rationale for their purpose... Most of this is common sense and logic. However, if you're going to continue to operate from the stand point that either a) nobody should have a gun or b) you don't want the government sticking it's nose further into your business, you really need to stop reading and plan your move to another country.

Logic model gun legislation components:

• A mandatory certification that a minimum of 20 hours was spent at a State sponsored gun safety academy (Think of the months you sat in drivers ed...20 hours isn't shit) with a minimum of 2 hours of victim impact panels that highlight the realities of folks who didn't follow safety protocols. Rationale: People buy guns and do dumb shit with them then claim they didn't know any better.  Being forced to see what happens when you do dumb shit with a gun would make someone who is really ignorant, think twice... No, this won't stop dumb people from doing dumb shit with guns.. But it would make it harder for them to pretend that they didn't know any better when we send their asses to jail.
• 3 year license renewal: Yes, your license will expire just like any other license. Yes, you will be required to re-apply, including a background check just to make sure your cheese didn't slip off the cracker, or you haven't stalked your girlfriend in the 3 years since you first applied for a license. Rationale: People and circumstances change dramatically in short periods of time. If I had multiple DUI's my license would be taken away from me... I think the logic here is pretty simple. Don't be a creep and you get to keep your license.  Be a creep and the state should take away your guns for the safety of the general public.
• All guns must be registered and that registration requires an annual renewal and ballistics testing... This one is important, because a good chunk of the guns that are used to commit street crimes were at one point purchased legally.  Folks conveniently "lose track" of their guns. How the fuck this happens, I do not know. I suspect a lot of people bullshit and at some point sold their gun, or swapped it for a DVD set of the Walking Dead series or some other nonsense.  The ballistics testing is no different than a fingerprint.  Rationale: I can't believe this isn't done and it never made any sense to me why it isn't.  Maybe an "annual" registration is a bit much, but I can't believe that gun registration isn't more detailed given how many people have died without a trace of the weapon that caused the death.  Law enforcement would have a much easier time tracking down information if ballistics records were kept and updated in a reasonable time frame.
• Tough mandatory minimum sentencing and fines for anyone violating gun safety regulations, or for carrying a firearm illegally. Right now in most states, you will get more time in jail for possession of weed than for possession of a gun... This is illogical.  Weed never killed anything but time and motivation.  Rationale: I think thug-life would think twice about walking around with a gun in their pants falling off their assess if they knew when arrested they can get a nice 5 year stint in the state corrections facility.

I have no words for people who suspend 7 year-olds for brandishing pop-tarts...I suspect there will be more fall out from that story that will incite the gun lobby in Maryland to new levels of cray-cray all over a fucking pop-tart.

I will say I have fewer words for the equally crazy crazies that come up with the oddest solutions to the problem. For example, the entire gun lobby in Colorado who feels that the best solution to stop mass murderers is to arm the general population.  I don't know how this does anything but create a tense as fuck environment when a truck backfiring can potentially cause a gunfight unseen since the O.K. Corral.  Plus, I've seen enough episodes of Snapped to know this is a bad idea.

A dude I've never met before took the words right out of my mouth... Garret (anonymous cause I don't want to get sued), you are my fucking hero for the day.

Fuckholes indeed, fine sir!

50 Shades of Peer Pressure

So after multiple friends, the general female populace and finally my mostestesess of sisters have all read 50 Shades of Grey, I finally broke down and bought a copy to check out what all the hype is about...It was billed to me as Twilight, but with sex.

Now keep in mind, I hated Twilight with the intensity of a thousand burning suns, so this wasn’t much of a sell for me. But at some point, I became really curious. I mean this thing has women of varied ages and races gafflawing about how sexy and kinky and just plain horndogerriffic this book is... So not one to be left out of a sociological orgy, I relented and bought a copy. Peer pressure is a bitch.

Let’s first address what my friends and fam didn’t tell me about the book… 1) There are no fucking vampires or werewolves in this story. This surprised me because I was told it was inspired by Twilight. The only reason I started to read Twilight was because it had vampires and werewolves. Me likes these things. 2) It’s a loooong fucking book for a “popcorn” read. E.L. James sure does love to wax nostalgic on thick cocks and bondage. I swear it took like 10 pages for him to find a condom at some point, or maybe it just felt like it... I dunno...Lots of “Christian is too good looking for me” chatter and blah, blah, blah...3) The book stinks! Not a single friend or my sister has told me it stinks. They just all say “you have to read it.”—Bitches!

This is why I only trust Vodka...People lie. Vodka is the truth!

Just like Bella in Twilight, from the start I struggled to like Anastasia Steele…She is easily one of the top 10 most hatingest bitches in literary history. She hates herself, she hates Katherine for being beautiful, she hates Mrs. Robinson for having boned Christian first... She hates everybody but Christian who is a colossal prick, who I’m pretty sure works in the AON building if any of you are interested. She’s insecure to the point where I personally want to knock on EL James’ door and be like, “Really bitch? Your idea of the modern heroine is a clumsy hipster with chronically bad hair choices and penchant for self-pitying monologues?“ 

Sadly, the things that I hated about Twilight are still here… Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are still here, they’re just given even stupider names, laptops and Blackberry's...The misogyny is still here, it’s just less veiled and less sparkly than in Twilight. Hell, even the blood lust and imbalance of power is here...Ana can’t touch Christian, but he can remove her tampon and jackhammer without skipping a beat.

At the risk of sounding like a hater myself, I will unapologetically say I have an unrelenting hatred for female authors who hate women so much that they write them as simpering clumsy, oxen that have no identity till a mysterious (aka… creepy) dude enters their lives. Both Edward and Christian had stalkerish and controlling tendencies, but somehow Christian makes Edward seem like Mr. Darcy (Oh, Jane Austen…How I long for you to set these bitches straight when they meet you at the pearly gates). I’m soooo very tired of this type of storyline. It’s too hard for me to suspend disbelief when I watch enough ID TV to know that this shit doesn’t end well in real life. Christian Grey saw her coming a mile away, as most predatory abusers do. Instead of being worried, she was all smitten when he took out his little Ted Bundy shopping list and purchased a damn serial killer kit right before her eyes.

Oh, oh...and least I forget the racial profiling… So Ana gets all drunk and dials creepy Christian and he saves her from the touchy feely Puerto Rican photographer dude… Side note: Honestly, I really hate Spanish dialogue in books like this because we don’t speak like that. Throwing out the random “Dios mio” might have been significant if your name was something like Mike Jones and further exploration of your heritage might be necessary, but when your name is fucking Jose Rodriguez, we get it… You’re Hispanic. There’s no need to go all Dora the Explorer to express shock at the little white girl in Converse hurling tequila... “Holy shit,” would have been equally appropriate and less condescendingly racist.

Needless to say this part of the book was my least favorite mostly because there was sooooo much wrong with Christian that it made my head spin…For example: In real life people who track you via cell phone are called Homeland Security agents and only do so if you’re Muslim…Christian Grey is a fucking creep! It’s not like EL James didn’t try to address it...For a minute Ana’s tequila soaked mind had her thinking “Stalker” but then he smiled or did some shit and she was like, “Naw, he’s cute… We’re cool.”

Be honest, if any girlfriend ever told you a story like this you’d be worried… Unless you are anything like Ana Steele, who only gives a shit about her friend Kate when she’s agreeing with her…. The rest of the time she’s jealous of her. I really hate Anastasia Steele.

 Halfway through the book, I did have an epiphany… I was looking for plot and substance when I really should have just been focusing on the sex… So I re-read some shit starting from the point where he was all “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?”—Because, it is important to note that had she fucked other dudes before Christian Grey, this story wouldn’t be so interesting…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh yeah, back to the sex… Maybe I’m just a freak and I expected my mind to be blown, but nothing I read wasn’t anything new or special or anything I couldn’t have come up with myself. Not that I’m THAT creative, but EL James didn’t reinvent anything that I haven’t done myself or seen on youporn.com or HBO’s Real Sex. The actual bondage contract was interesting as it appealed to my job… I actually wanted to present her with a counter contract and was seriously pissed that she didn’t review it with a qualified attorney. I don’t sign shit without talking with an attorney and I don’t gave a shit how good of a smile he has, what the fuck my inner goddess says, or how much he makes my “down there” throb … But of all Anastasia Steel’s stupid thought processes throughout the book, her signing the contract was the one thing I understood…Some shit you just have to try once, or twice.

With that said, I don’t know how people went on to read another two books written like this… Not that I’m a book snob or anything, but if I’m going to invest in a book because it was promised to arouse my inner sexual desires then it should really do that. It should make me want to hunt down the Princess and tear off his clothes and make me want him do naughty things to me… but it really just makes me want to write a book. I mean E.L. James got lotto-rich writing this shit.

I just don’t get the hype. I’m trying to get it and I can easily see how this book can be a refuge to the Twihards who just wanted Edward to stop the bullshit and just fuck the shit out of Bella...But to me it’s just another poorly written account of a clumsy girl who has self-esteem issues and dives vagina first into an abusive relationship with an asshole who has intimacy issues.

In terms of the sex, dude there were times when I was laughing… Granted, I have the maturity of a 13 year old boy, but seriously how could you not laugh at some of that shit? Between his panty sniffing and her inner goddess not being able to shut the fuck up whenever his unit was in the remote vicinity, I was in hysterics. This book didn’t make me horny, it made me angry. This book supposedly,”is encouraging women to release their inhibitions and experiment with their sexuality.” Cool… but it can possibly be encouraging woman to pay attention to assholes that seem “mysterious” when they really are just creepy fucks!

Don’t get in that helicopter, girlfriend! “Blackhawk DOWN!” is going to be my new code phrase for my single friends who need to step away from the quasi abusive assholes who masquerade themselves as the Edward Cullens and Christian Grey’s of the world.

Before I started this post, I was trying to figure out if there was anything I liked about Ana or Christian… For example, if pressed I could find something I liked about Edward and Bella… If really hard pressed I can admit that Edward was endearing in his misogyny. And Bella was a good daughter to her really stupid parents. I find no such redeeming traits in Christian or Ana… He’s a creepy rich dude with stalker tendencies and she’s a doormat for no good reason. Had she been less reflective of her “inner goddess” and more reflective of Christian’s upfront asshole, I may have enjoyed reading more about his throbbing member.

I will say this about this book… It allowed me to discover something about myself…I need to write a book...STAT! I’m toying with a porn version of the Harry Potter series...Working title: Perry Hotter and the Sorcerers Bone.

Return of the Blogedizzle

Yeah, it’s been a minute since I’ve entered my own blogosphere…Life get’s hectic sometimes. For example, I wrote this last week and just got around to publishing it. 

For those of you that have missed my insights, I’ll provide a brief recap of my thoughts on a few current events:

Kristen Stewart cheating on Rob Pattinson

First off, it took me this long to figure out his name is Pattinson and not Patterson… Which kind of is a tip off that I don’t give a fuck about either one of these two… Actually, there aren’t many celebs I give a fuck about since I broke up my BFF fantasy with Kim Kardashian (I’ll miss you Kimmer).  HOWEVER, that doesn’t diminish my interest in seeing how this plays out.  Every once in a while a celeb story/scandal pops up that even the most disconnected of us can relate to… Very few people can say that they’ve never been cheated on.  Those that CAN honestly say that are lucky, if not delusional.  Those that HAVE been cheated on will have little sympathy for her or the two-timing senior that she slept with…For now, all the sympathy seems to be directed towards Rob and the whatshername model wife of the other dude.  Like I said, I don’t give a shit about either of them, but the more I read the more I want to hug him.  This dude seems like a nice feller who fell for the wrong girl really fast… So I’m laying odds that he forgives her. Good people tend to do stuff like that, only to get shit on later.  They’ll get married and have a few initially pale babies, only to divorce later on down the road because one of those babies looks more like a werewolf than a vampire...On the other hand he’s freakishly hot, so on the road to forgiveness he may bang a few starlets before deciding that he may not be so mad at her after all. In a perfect world he would bang the super-hot wife of the very same director Kristen banged… Yeah, I do miss me some All My Children.--Please note: George Clooney is on a yacht somewhere in Italy laughing at this shit.

Chicago joins Boston to ban Chick-Fil-A

So a recent headline on my local Google machine read “Chicago joins Boston in Chick-Fil-A Ban.” Keep in mind, I’m not one for the news cycle beyond my ESPN and DeadSpin updates and iO9.com keeping me tethered to the nerdiverse… I’m even less interested in the news during an election year, but I like myself a Chick-Fil-A sammich, so naturally I read on… My conclusion: The level of hypocrisy with this Chick-fil-a banning in Chicago is absurd. First I will stipulate that the CEO of Chick-fil-a is a fucking moron, or a “clucking” moron…Bar-hump, bump! However, I wonder how the hypocrite head of City Hall would feel if let’s say the equally moronic/misogynist/hate-filled Joe Ricketts were to air his views on gay marriage? Would we ban the Cubs and their money machine? I double-dog dare someone in the media to ask Mr. Ricketts what he thinks of gay marriage. I triple-dog dare anyone at city hall to put out a questionnaire to the top employers of Chicago and ask their CEO’s what they think of gay marriage, or abortion, or any hot button issue. If we were to continue to ban companies from coming to our city based on the racist/sexist/homophobic and down-right ass-backward point of views of their respective CEO's, or economy would collapse completely. This is another example of right position, wrong action. Hey Rahm, get up there and call Dan Cathy (President of Chick-Fil-A) an asshole and force his company to provide benefits to married gay couples, or those in same sex partnerships as a condition of allowing Chick-Fil-A to come here. Don’t get up there and act like we can’t use the jobs in Chicago. If it was me, I’d be like… “Yeah, you can come here but you need to provide 300 jobs and you need to understand that nobody gives a fuck about what you think about gay marriage so shut the fuck up! Dick!”  JOBS are needed in Chicago more than rhetoric. If Rahm wants to make a point, he also needs to take action against those in his party who feel the same as Dan Cathy. Call them out as the civil rights infringing bastards that they are. If these fucktards worship the sanctity of marriage, then they should ban divorce.  But no, they want to profess that marriage between a man and a woman is something we should hold in reverence, yet these assholes will laughably get married 3 times in their life cycle. Man, I loathe hypocrisy. As if allowing two consenting adult dudes to marry will have more of a negative impact on marriage than the 72 days Kim Kardashian was married to Kris Humphries. These mayors have given Dan Cathy an audience that he doesn't deserve and allowed him to be the voice for narrow minded whack-jobs who think these extreme views are grounded in divine superiority. I find it ironic (by ironic, I mean fucking disgusting) that the assholes who mutilated a young lesbian woman in Nebraska and carved anti-gay slogans into her body have more rights NOW than she does (edited for accuracy in reporting). That’s what these bans do…They galvanize the crazies into thinking they are morally superior and at “war” with the opposing side which allows them the freedom to say and do the most atrocious things they could think of to get their point across…Banning a chicken joint and depriving this City of much needed jobs isn’t going to do shit to eradicate this type of hate and bigotry. Calling Dan Cathy a prick would at least be honest and seem a lot less condescending and pandering. Calling out the rest of his party members in congress and those whack-a-do state representatives who are banning civil liberties would be more productive, as well. Rick Santorum should be forced to eat Chick-Fil-A till his evil little arteries get clogged. Call me crazy, but wouldn't it be helpful if these "leaders" who are so outraged by Dan Cathy's comments use their collective outrage to put forward legislation that would mandate that Chick-Fil-A's (and other companies run by homophobic CEO's) employment package included recognizing same-sex partnerships/marriages as a contingency for setting up shop in their cities. HEAVEN FORBID Rahm give Mr. Obama a call and demand he repeal the Defense of Marriage act like he promised in 2008. Instead he's going to play big city mayor and not even attempt to do something meaningful... So, let's pull the Muppets out of happy meals, deprive the city out of jobs and tax revenue and call it a victory for civil rights. Idiots!—It also should be noted that there is lesser point to be made about the absolute hilarity that we’re following Boston’s lead in social justice issues. Boston is all about equality and hockey, unless you’re black and poor, but mostly black.

The Olympics

I love the Olympics and since I rarely watch network TV anymore, so I’m not going to be one of the many who will bitch about getting their schedule all botched up… I look forward to very sexy flexy types from all countries engaged in sport.

However, NBC can go scratch. I don’t like how they played Ann Curry and I'll very likely follow the Olympics mostly via the interweb…. Which brings me to…>

Ann Curry and the Today Show Drama

Did it ever occur to the execs at NBC that Matt Lauer is the fucking problem?  I mean the ratings still suck and Ann Curry is gone… Maybe he isn’t the sunshine behind the rainbow after all.  Maybe he rode on Meredith and Katie’s coat tails.  Maybe, just maybe, America is sick of Matt Lauer.

Think about it… The last time Matt Lauer looked good was when he was interviewing Tom Cruise.  A colossal asshole like TC is pretty much the only individual who can perhaps make Matt Lauer more sympathetic.

Personally, Matt Lauer gives me the creeps… And I don’t watch the Today Show because I’m not over 55 and lay up with thrombosis.

It could also be that America just doesn’t like a skinny Al Roker. 

Kim’s Fairytale Wedding is My Nightmare

So almost everybody that knows me is well aware of my Kim Kardashian obsession…I think if this were a perfect world, Kim and I would be BFF’s in the traditional BFF sense. Mutual ride-or-die bitches, we be!…She will call me when her shoe breaks and I will laugh at her and make quips about her shoe being unable to support the weight of her ass… Then she’d laugh it off and offer to send her driver over to my crib (a.k.a. her beach house) to come get me so that she can treat me to lunch at the Ivy then fly to New York cause I need a new pair of Manolo’s and some Gucci gum (if Gucci made such things) and my birthday is coming up…We’d make out with each other when drunk then pretend to not remember it… But we’d know. (End of dream sequence). 

Kimmer (that’s my pet name for her) is my #1 draft pick in my fantasy BFF league…Closely following her rounding off the top 5 are Payton Manning, Supreme Court Judge Sonya Sotomayor, Prince Harry (the ginger prince of Whales) and Adam Richman (of Man vs Food)…Please note: I’d take on Lindsey Lohan too, but in the later rounds, just in case I get extra points for rehab projects.

So the world kind of sucks and isn’t perfect and Kimmer and I aren’t BFF’s.. We’ve never made out… She’s never motor-boated me (over share of the dream sequence) and/or bought me Manolo’s …and I wasn’t invited to her wedding, but I did get to see it with about 6 million other people on the tv machine. For the first time in our one sided friendship, I was disappointed in her… And for the first time since he lurched onto my picture screen and used words I felt for Kris Humphries. 

The first two hours of the 4 hour special…Kris clumsily says everything wrong and seems to be under the impression that Kardashian world is a democracy where he is on even playing field with the women. He was late for shit, made fun of Mrs. Jenner’s (as to not to confuse the Kris’)face lift, told Khloe she needed botox and made the dudes fly southwest airlines to Vegas for the bachelor party while he girls had the private jet. It did make me giggle that Scott was so offended--- I was more offended by the gross v-neck t-shirt Kris decided to wear to do it big in Vegas…Khloe (who I dislike ALMOST on the level in which I dislike Kobe Bryant, but not quite as much as I dislike Angelina Jolie or Tom Brady), tries her best to chop him down to bite sized pieces so that Kim and the rest of the gang can eat him alive… To his credit, he took very little shit from Khloe and at the end of the second half walked in her talking shit about him and delt with her.— So yeah, Kris Humphries in the end, not such a bad guy. Kimberly Noelle Kardashian, on the other hand… OMG!

First off, she agreed to change her name to Humprhies… Then after Mrs. Jenner pitched a fit about it and drew up mock-ups of the new brand “Hump”, Kim saw the light (or dollar signs floating out the window) and agreed to not change her name. Honestly when she told Kris that she wasn’t going to change her name after all, he had a “bitch you drowned my puppy?” look about him. It was sad… Seriously, I HATED this part of the episode mostly because of the hypocrisy of Mrs. Bruce Jenner… The same Mrs. Jenner who not so long ago wanted to change her name back to Kardashian because the 70’s and 80’s are over and nobody gives a shit about poor Bruce Jenner. –Seems to me Kardashian wasn’t too popular a name around the 90’s when papa Kardashian was going around defending OJ for murdering 2 people. I’m willing to bet Mrs. Jenner considered changing Kim’s name to Jenner cause that would have been more palatable at the time. Fucking hypocrite!

Anyway, once that drama died down. Kim was throwing hissy fits about, the guest list, about Kris’ horrific mustache, stressing about the order of which she will wear the 3 (three)(tres)(trois) wedding gowns designed by Vera Wang (Of Khols department store fame who apparently makes bridal fashion—Who knew this?). She had her sisters in her ear, her mother in her ear and an 8 million dollar price tag on the wedding… That’s 8 times my operating budget for the entire year on a mid-sized non-profit. That’s funding for 8 years! I type my fingers to the nub trying to get grants and streamline budgets for programs that will keep kids from getting shot during the summer for LESS than the cost of a fucking wedding? That’s THOUSANDS of scholarships that can be given out to the youth so that they can build break the cycle of violence and poverty… But this heifer spent 8 million on one day and because of how things work in America today, she made a profit for selling her wedding to a media driven public who rewards stupidity with celebrity…and to my worst waking nightmare after the episode ended was the realization that I’m a part of it! I hate when my conscious just sneaks up on me and shit. I dunno, between the 8 million dollar price tag and her not changing her name because of “branding” made me reassess my own value system.  I have to believe that I wouldn't hurt someone I love deeply just to make/save a buck.

Now, I’m not a hypocrite and I’m still going watch the show and I’m still going to envy Kim Kardashian Humphries (Yeah… I’ll change her name for her!) and not so secretly dream of what it would be like to live that way…I think it’s human nature to want the finer things in life. It’s what we work for really…But I think I’m going to change the fantasy a little…Yeah, we’ll still get hammered and make out… But I also want to show her the many ways 8 million dollars could have changed lives. I’d ask my BFF to help me raise money so that kids can feel safe in their communities. Raise money to help provide scholarships so that students don’t have to drown in debt in order to get a decent education. There are SOOOOO many ways 8 million dollars can be spent that I have to believe even if I had 8 million dollars to spend on a wedding I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it.

I know this bloggizzle got deep and shit, but sometimes that’s how I roll.

Haunted Houses? Meh

Whenever I tell someone I do not like haunted houses, the initial response is usually a giggle because the assumption is that I'm askeered. FALSE! (I say in my best Dwight Shrute tone.) I do not like haunted houses because in order to fully enjoy those things one must perpetuate the myth that they are in fact scary. They are in fact not scary, nor creepy... Just expensive, hot and an invasion of ones personal space.

I experienced the much hyped Statesville Haunted Prison this weekend with the boyfriend and two other friends. We paid $40 each for the VIP passes. Which was well worth it once you took a good look at the line to get into the joint. The "prison" is really a farm which kind of in itself is kind of cool. The people who designed this place did a great job. Independent, of my dislike of haunted houses I appreciated the artistic talents of those who developed and planned out the design and execution of the haunted prison concept.

After you pay your admission you are corralled into line into some sort of animal coupe (maybe for cows)...It's dark, it's wooden and they shine a bright light on your face every now and then to remind you that you are on the cusp of terror... (For those of us who think logically, it's just an annoying flashlight by some douche in moderately cool make-up.)--Once the doors open you are again lined up as the "actors" explain the rules which of all of them the one that stands out is "the actors will not touch you, so do not touch them."--They say NOTHING about the actors breathing on you (fucking gross) and coming way too close to contact and the nimrod teenagers who bump into you as they're doing their best Scooby and Shaggy "Zoinks, we're so scared!" act. Fucking annoying.

The house itself has some pretty cool and gruesome shit in it. I enjoyed the effect very much...But I didn't need the idiot blowing in my hair, or whispering "you're gonna die" in my ear... I wanted to stop and tell him, "DUH! I know I'm gonna die, but not today and not here because you fuckers took proper safety precautions. Because if I did die here and today my family will sue the shit out of you, ass clown!!." Plus this dude was like 5"3' and I was with Princess who could have clearly crushed him with one of his giant hands... I just wasn't afraid. Just annoyed.

I can't say I didn't enjoy the experience because I did... I got a pumpkin pie and apple butter at the little shop on the farm and the house itself if you look at it objectively from the artistic level was pretty cool. I just don't like strangers breathing on me at the height of cold and flu season. I don't like teenagers. I don't like anyone touching me AT ALL and those stupid lines forced people into my personal space. It was worse than the El at rush hour... And that's saying a lot.

In the end, I'm think too hood for "haunted prisons" and scary movies. They annoy me more than scare me and they lack any kind of creative thought. Life in itself is rather scary and you don't have to pay the admission fee... So why not just enjoy dressing up and getting a shit ton of candy then go out and get hammered? I don't understand the need/desire to be afraid of shit that you know is fake and offers no immediate danger to you.

I think these kind of things ruined what used to be an awesome holiday. I used to love Halloween because it took the sting off my birthday which traditionally (and epically) sucks. Now it's just one big douchy fright fest and bad memories of really scary life shit. I'll pass.

Let's blog this bitch!

Before you continue to read, you need to understand 2 things about me.... #1) I do not conform to the constraints and "rules" set forth by the English language. I does shit different. 2) I do not conform to anything... That person who marches to the beat of a different drummer? Well, that is me except I don't even march and fuck the drums, unless they're played by Animal of the Muppet's. Yeah, that's right! I roll to some old school Muppet's Take Manhattan shit you prolly ain't ever even heard of.

I'm still not sure why I want to blog, other than to save my boyfriend countless hours of hearing my stream of consciousness rantings on any given day. My boyfriend (Frank) shall remain nameless, so we'll just call him by my pet name for him, Princess Cupcake Purtymouth, esq... What other alias would you use for a 6/2, 300lb offensive tackle?

I think my friends will also appreciate my blogging because it will reduce the random "Do you think if I glued all my fingers and toes together, I'd be a better swimmer" type text messages. I like to text people random shit that pops in my head cause you never know what's going to be the one idea that has the "Snuggie" effect and I like to have witnesses before all my good ideas get stolen by the man.--I'm not saying I invented the Snuggie. I'm just saying I spent many a night in a backwards fucking robe and got nothing to show for it.

Makes me also wonder whatever happened to the kids of Kriss Kross?.. They wore their shit backwards all the time... I bet they're broke as fuck and really pissed off they didn't come out with the "Snuggie" back in the day. I for sure would have bought a Cross Color Snuggie. Hell, I'd buy one now if they were available...I'd buy two, cause I'm sure Princess will want one as well.

I think my family will enjoy my blogs too...By enjoy, I mean they're gonna be embarrassed as fuck and ban me from Christmas. But whatever!!! These are the same people who had me watch their children by luring me in by buying comic books and renting the Star Wars trilogy...I was pretty much brainwashed into nerdity by my family. How do you like them apples family!?! Our ugly truth laid out for the world to see.

Not for nothing, but being a Star Wars nerd in Humboldt Park is a kin to being a gay dude in the Republican party. Once that shit comes out, you have NO street cred and you might as well walk around with a sign that reads kick my ass and call me a Jedi....(Not gonna lie, the second part of that was kinda cool. Hehehe!)

Anyway, I think we can all agree that my blogging will be either the greatest blog on the internet, or the biggest most epic disaster causing all my relationships to publicly implode... Either way, it's a good time.