So after multiple friends, the general female populace and finally my mostestesess of sisters have all read 50 Shades of Grey, I finally broke down and bought a copy to check out what all the hype is about...It was billed to me as Twilight, but with sex.
Now keep in mind, I hated Twilight with the intensity of a thousand burning suns, so this wasn’t much of a sell for me. But at some point, I became really curious.
I mean this thing has women of varied ages and races gafflawing about how sexy and kinky and just plain horndogerriffic this book is... So not one to be left out of a sociological orgy, I relented and bought a copy. Peer pressure is a bitch.
Let’s first address what my friends and fam didn’t tell me about the book… 1) There are no fucking vampires or werewolves in this story. This surprised me because I was told it was inspired by Twilight. The only reason I started to read Twilight was because it had vampires and werewolves. Me likes these things. 2) It’s a loooong fucking book for a “popcorn” read. E.L. James sure does love to wax nostalgic on thick cocks and bondage. I swear it took like 10 pages for him to find a condom at some point, or maybe it just felt like it... I dunno...Lots of “Christian is too good looking for me” chatter and blah, blah, blah...3) The book stinks! Not a single friend or my sister has told me it stinks. They just all say “you have to read it.”—Bitches!
This is why I only trust Vodka...People lie. Vodka is the truth!
Just like Bella in Twilight, from the start I struggled to like Anastasia Steele…She is easily one of the top 10 most hatingest bitches in literary history. She hates herself, she hates Katherine for being beautiful, she hates Mrs. Robinson for having boned Christian first... She hates everybody but Christian who is a colossal prick, who I’m pretty sure works in the AON building if any of you are interested. She’s insecure to the point where I personally want to knock on EL James’ door and be like, “Really bitch? Your idea of the modern heroine is a clumsy hipster with chronically bad hair choices and penchant for self-pitying monologues?“
Sadly, the things that I hated about Twilight are still here… Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are still here, they’re just given even stupider names, laptops and Blackberry's...The misogyny is still here, it’s just less veiled and less sparkly than in Twilight. Hell, even the blood lust and imbalance of power is here...Ana can’t touch Christian, but he can remove her tampon and jackhammer without skipping a beat.
At the risk of sounding like a hater myself, I will unapologetically say I have an unrelenting hatred for female authors who hate women so much that they write them as simpering clumsy, oxen that have no identity till a mysterious (aka… creepy) dude enters their lives. Both Edward and Christian had stalkerish and controlling tendencies, but somehow Christian makes Edward seem like Mr. Darcy (Oh, Jane Austen…How I long for you to set these bitches straight when they meet you at the pearly gates). I’m soooo very tired of this type of storyline. It’s too hard for me to suspend disbelief when I watch enough ID TV to know that this shit doesn’t end well in real life. Christian Grey saw her coming a mile away, as most predatory abusers do. Instead of being worried, she was all smitten when he took out his little Ted Bundy shopping list and purchased a damn serial killer kit right before her eyes.
Oh, oh...and least I forget the racial profiling… So Ana gets all drunk and dials creepy Christian and he saves her from the touchy feely Puerto Rican photographer dude… Side note: Honestly, I really hate Spanish dialogue in books like this because we don’t speak like that. Throwing out the random “Dios mio” might have been significant if your name was something like Mike Jones and further exploration of your heritage might be necessary, but when your name is fucking Jose Rodriguez, we get it… You’re Hispanic. There’s no need to go all Dora the Explorer to express shock at the little white girl in Converse hurling tequila... “Holy shit,” would have been equally appropriate and less condescendingly racist.
Needless to say this part of the book was my least favorite mostly because there was sooooo much wrong with Christian that it made my head spin…For example: In real life people who track you via cell phone are called Homeland Security agents and only do so if you’re Muslim…Christian Grey is a fucking creep! It’s not like EL James didn’t try to address it...For a minute Ana’s tequila soaked mind had her thinking “Stalker” but then he smiled or did some shit and she was like, “Naw, he’s cute… We’re cool.”
Be honest, if any girlfriend ever told you a story like this you’d be worried… Unless you are anything like Ana Steele, who only gives a shit about her friend Kate when she’s agreeing with her…. The rest of the time she’s jealous of her. I really hate Anastasia Steele.
Halfway through the book, I did have an epiphany… I was looking for plot and substance when I really should have just been focusing on the sex… So I re-read some shit starting from the point where he was all “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?”—Because, it is important to note that had she fucked other dudes before Christian Grey, this story wouldn’t be so interesting…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Oh yeah, back to the sex…
Maybe I’m just a freak and I expected my mind to be blown, but nothing I read wasn’t anything new or special or anything I couldn’t have come up with myself. Not that I’m THAT creative, but EL James didn’t reinvent anything that I haven’t done myself or seen on youporn.com or HBO’s Real Sex. The actual bondage contract was interesting as it appealed to my job… I actually wanted to present her with a counter contract and was seriously pissed that she didn’t review it with a qualified attorney. I don’t sign shit without talking with an attorney and I don’t gave a shit how good of a smile he has, what the fuck my inner goddess says, or how much he makes my “down there” throb … But of all Anastasia Steel’s stupid thought processes throughout the book, her signing the contract was the one thing I understood…Some shit you just have to try once, or twice.
With that said, I don’t know how people went on to read another two books written like this… Not that I’m a book snob or anything, but if I’m going to invest in a book because it was promised to arouse my inner sexual desires then it should really do that. It should make me want to hunt down the Princess and tear off his clothes and make me want him do naughty things to me… but it really just makes me want to write a book. I mean E.L. James got lotto-rich writing this shit.
I just don’t get the hype. I’m trying to get it and I can easily see how this book can be a refuge to the Twihards who just wanted Edward to stop the bullshit and just fuck the shit out of Bella...But to me it’s just another poorly written account of a clumsy girl who has self-esteem issues and dives vagina first into an abusive relationship with an asshole who has intimacy issues.
In terms of the sex, dude there were times when I was laughing… Granted, I have the maturity of a 13 year old boy, but seriously how could you not laugh at some of that shit? Between his panty sniffing and her inner goddess not being able to shut the fuck up whenever his unit was in the remote vicinity, I was in hysterics.
This book didn’t make me horny, it made me angry. This book supposedly,”is encouraging women to release their inhibitions and experiment with their sexuality.” Cool… but it can possibly be encouraging woman to pay attention to assholes that seem “mysterious” when they really are just creepy fucks!
Don’t get in that helicopter, girlfriend! “Blackhawk DOWN!” is going to be my new code phrase for my single friends who need to step away from the quasi abusive assholes who masquerade themselves as the Edward Cullens and Christian Grey’s of the world.
Before I started this post, I was trying to figure out if there was anything I liked about Ana or Christian… For example, if pressed I could find something I liked about Edward and Bella… If really hard pressed I can admit that Edward was endearing in his misogyny. And Bella was a good daughter to her really stupid parents. I find no such redeeming traits in Christian or Ana… He’s a creepy rich dude with stalker tendencies and she’s a doormat for no good reason. Had she been less reflective of her “inner goddess” and more reflective of Christian’s upfront asshole, I may have enjoyed reading more about his throbbing member.
I will say this about this book… It allowed me to discover something about myself…I need to write a book...STAT!
I’m toying with a porn version of the Harry Potter series...Working title: Perry Hotter and the Sorcerers Bone.
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